My Desire is to Love You

Sometimes I ask people how they know if they love someone. I have been thinking a lot about love lately and thinking about what I believe love is. I was raised a Christian, so I typically look to scripture for answers. In Corinthians, there is a passage that even non-Christians are familiar with because it is read so often at weddings. The thing is, it was not originally written for love in marriage. It was written to give all of us an explanation of how to love one another.

It reads:

Love is PATIENT.
Love is KIND.

Love does not ENVY.
It does not BOAST
It is not PROUD.
It is not RUDE
It is not SELF-SEEKING
It is not easily ANGERED

It keeps NO RECORD OF WRONGS.

LOVE does not DELIGHT IN EVIL but REJOICES WITH THE TRUTH.

LOVE ALWAYS PROTECTS,
ALWAYS TRUSTS,
ALWAYS HOPES,
ALWAYS PERSEVERES.

LOVE NEVER FAILS.


In the last few months, I have left a job I had and loved for nearly 5 years, started a new job, started a grad program, moved to a new house with new housemates, and discovered my dad had a rare form of cancer that is incurable. As a result, I have alienated many of my friends and isolated myself a good deal. Some of my friends have loved me regardless and have put up with the crazy that comes out of my mouth and in my actions. I am humbled and blessed by these friends and am learning so much from them during this time in my life.

Still, I struggle with what it is to love. I have a friend who says, “I love you,” and has asked why I don’t say it back. I look at this verse in Corinthians and realize I have failed my friends and family so many times.

I have lost my patience.
I have been mean.
Instead of rejoicing in their success, I have envied them.
I have been proud and boasted when I did well.
I have been rude.
I have used people for my own benefit.
I have become angry.

I have not only kept records of wrongs but also brought them up over and over and talked about them with others. Sometimes, I just couldn’t let it go.

I have “rejoiced in evil” by finding humor in others’ failure.

I have not always protected them by standing up for them when others have wronged them.
I have not trusted. In fact, I barely ever trust.
I have not been hopeful.
I have given up.

I have failed.

And when I have failed, I felt it. Without even looking at the words in Corinthians, I have felt the absence of love when I have done these things. How many of us, when looking at this verse can see that we have, on at least one occasion, been the complete opposite of love? How many of us have stopped loving someone because they have fallen short of love, even though we know we have done the same? The explanation of love in Corinthians is agape love. It is the highest form of love and I believe the strongest intangible thing in life. When it is done right, you feel it. You know it. You want it. To experience it is to experience a “thin place.” That is, a place where the physical meets the spiritual. To truly feel the Creator’s pull between two people.

I have felt this love from friends, family and the Almighty. It is pure, holy, and extraordinary. So when I say “I love you,” it is hard for me, because I know I haven’t, but I wish I could. Perhaps, what we should be saying is,” My desire is to love you.” That, to me, would be speaking the truth in love.